I’d love to be one of those people who is super-passionate about everything. Who loves their job, who loves their life. The kind of person who hops out of bed at 5:30 because they’re just too excited to get started on the day’s adventures. Passionate. Motivated.
Unfortunately, I am not one of those people.
That’s not to say I don’t love what I do – making websites is something I’ve always enjoyed. But I view life, and my job, kind of like my relationship. There are the moments when I am just the happiest, most smitten person in the world, and could easily devote days, even weeks, to it. And then there are the days where it’s like “Okay, you can sit on the other side of the couch playing Diablo, I’ll be over here pretending to care but actually watching Buzzfeed videos.”
Fortunately, I’m lucky enough to be with someone who gets it – it’s not him. He hasn’t changed. I don’t love him any less. It’s less a representation of my relationship, and more a representation of me as a whole. I live with a lot of ups and downs. Emotional, financial, physical – everything from my weight to my life goals are always fluctuating.
Passion grows, passion wanes. I get bored. I get frustrated. I have a chip on my shoulder because I always feel like I need to live up to other’s expectations. You know, typical twenty-something stuff. When I’m in a low point – financial, emotional, whatever – I tend to let my negative personality traits take the reins. And when that happens, I lose all of my passion, and all of my motivation.
I’m really great at ignoring things. Life, reminders, the dishes, people, responsibility. Growing up, I was always told that if you ignore something, it will go away. It didn’t work on my sister, I don’t know why I expect it to work on real life. But I try anyways.
It’s not uncommon for me to spend a day laying in bed, imagining a life where I’m rich, successful, and may or may not be married to Matt Smith. (Or Nick Jonas. Mentally I’m sometimes still sixteen.) Other days I just sit and play on my phone or 2DS all day. When I’m low, I tend to spend a lot of time in my head, thinking of doing things without actually getting anything done. Why bother actually making life better when I can just ignore it and imagine myself a better life?
It’s hard to break out of these lows. These fake, fantasy lives. It’s hard to get myself motivated again. And it’s even harder staying motivated. The whole process frustrates me.
So I’m going to make an effort to change it. Recently, I found a quote that hit me where it hurts – and it’s inspired me to try and be a better, more passionate, more motivated version of myself.
“Wherever you are, be all there! Live to the hilt every situation you believe to be the will of God.” – Jim Elliot
I’m not religious. I don’t know that anything in my life is necessarily the will of God. Except maybe Seth… He’s awfully damn amazing. (Especially to put up with me.)
But in this world of smartphones, wifi, headphones, and imaginary Mr. Smiths, it’s so easy to be somewhere… else. Physically you can be in one place, but mentally you can be anywhere you want to. And while escapism is definitely fun, it’s not productive. When you give into all of the ways to escape, avoid, and ignore your reality, the things that impassion and motivate you slip away.
So I’m resolving to be all there. It doesn’t matter if I’m on my couch watching Netflix or travelling the country with my love, I’m going to try to be there. In the present. In reality. If I find myself slipping into a haze, being more focused on 21 Beautiful Bearded British Men (Dear Buzzfeed, GET ON THIS!) than a conversation with my family, I’m going to make a conscious effort to draw myself back.
I’m aiming to be productive, passionate, motivated, and present in everything I do. Life is too short to waste it somewhere else, half-assing what you should be focusing on. Work, family, relationships, those are the things that are important. Those are the things worth being all there for.