Everyone gets nostalgic. Old songs, old photos, talking to old friends – everyone gets that little longing for the past. Even if everything is great, there’s always a little sadness for times lost. Time passes, relationships fade, possessions break, and I think we all feel a genuine sense of loss when we think about the past sometimes. It’s normal.
I’ve been nostalgic a lot lately. Not in the sad, heart-aching, I wish I could go back way that is so typical of me, but in a bemused, some things never change kind of way. I’m not really sad about the past; I feel a lot more like I’m reliving the past. It’s kind of great.
I think some of it is because I see a lot of my younger self in my sister. I mean, we’re drastically different. When I was her age I was a Harry Potter nut, and spent my spare time watching VH1 and playing on Neopets/MySpace; she prefers horror games and YouTubers, and claims she’s never seen a Harry Potter movie in her life. But in a lot of ways, we’re the same; it’s crazy obvious when we get in my car and jam out to ten year old Fall Out Boy and Panic! At The Disco. These songs came out when I was her age; I think she knows the words better than I do.
We went to the mall yesterday, and walking into Hot Topic was like a punch in the feels. It’s like a time capsule, a weird amalgamation of my childhood, my teen years, and my present, embodied in one outdated aesthetic. Doctor Who merchandise shelved across from Harry Potter, a whole section dedicated to Pokémon, bottles of hair dye on counters, bows lining the walls… It was like looking at an eerily accurate summation of myself. And I, with my purple hair, plaid shirt, and “bowties are cool” lanyard fit in just as well now at 21 as I did when I was 12, with my Slytherin hoodie and too much eyeliner.
I look at myself, and I’m 100% sure I’ve grown into the person I wanted to be at 12. I make my living on my computer, building websites. I have an amazing boyfriend and more tech than I know what to do with. I never got into drugs, I’ve made smart decisions, and I’m trying my damndest to give myself a life I can be happy with. If I met past Kyrie, she’d take one look at my purple hair, my VW Beetle, and my wondrous collection of nerd memorabilia and be stoked as hell.
I’m beginning to wonder if, maybe, people never really change. I mean, of course we do change – we age, we mature, and our experiences shape our lives. But our tastes, our desires, our passions, who we want to be – does that ever really change?
Or am I just the exception to the rule? Maybe there’s something about me that didn’t grow up with the rest of me. Maybe I’m “stuck”.