267 Days.

A photo I took of a leaf.

I feel like I lost the entire month of November. Like I literally don’t know where it went or what happened. One second it was October and life was great, the next it’s somehow December? It’s odd.

October ended about how I expected – pretty good. The tail-end of the month kept up the good vibes train. The 30th was a damn good day. The Mandalorian made me warm and fuzzy inside (I will literally die for Grogu), and His House was a fantastic movie. I don’t normally like horror movies but this one was amazing. It was a dark and emotional, nuanced take on horror but also on the horrors of racism and xenophobia. It was kind of lite on the Matt Smith content, not gonna lie, but honestly I wasn’t mad about that because the movie was just that good.

The days that followed the 30th were… chaotic. The election anxiety kind of broke me a little bit? Looking back it’s all kind of a blur, but I know for certain I cut off a good 7 inches of my hair and got a spontaneous last-minute tattoo that I’m not really 100% proud of. I mean, I kind of love it, it’s kinda sexy, but I also question my judgement? I was gonna just get my nose pierced, but the tattoo was only like $20 more? And like, I really needed the adrenaline. The tattoo artist said I “took it like a rock” but honestly I desperately needed to be stabbed with something, there was no way I was gonna flinch.

So uhh… thanks, Matt, for the tattoo design. 😬

A photo of the heart Matt drew on the signed photo
A selfie that shows my tattoo'd heart.

After the election, once there was a definitive winner, there was a little bit of euphoria. A few days where I felt really fucking good. The only thing I remember about them, though, was having a fire and someone setting off fireworks.

As far as the rest of the month goes, there was a lot of shitposting, a lot of weed, a lot of crying/struggling/bad brain times, one day where I took a bunch of photos of foam, one night where I was really feeling myself and took a bunch of photos in various states of undress, and then Thanksgiving.

Oh! And one night where I was high as fuck and we watched The Mandalorian and I cried about how cute Grogu is, then I cried because of a picture of Matt with his new puppy. I basically spent most of November in tears?

Baby Yoda/Grogu with a cookie
Look at him, though. He is precious. Worth crying over.

I think a lot of my upset last month had to do with Seth switching jobs. It was absolutely the right choice for him, his office job was bullshit and driving both of us up a wall. And we were in an ideal place financially for him to make the transition. But I don’t handle change well? I never have. And such a drastic change, and a little instability at the new job, really took its toll on me mentally/emotionally.

Combine that with a ridiculous COVID spike nationally, as well as in-state, and my emotional battery has been fluctuating around 5% for a bit. I’m drained. I’m sad. I’m stressed. I really don’t want to do this anymore. If I got hit by a truck tomorrow I would not be sad about it. I don’t want Christmas. I don’t want anything. I just want to sleep.

I’ll be okay, though. I always am. Can’t die now, who would bring Seth to work? I have too much work on my plate, too many people to I’d let down. I just ordered another signed pic from Matt (with my own art!) and I want to see what he writes. (I hope he doesn’t hate it. 🙃) I gotta make sure Grogu gets rescued from the Empire. Plus, I keep getting signs from the Universe – foxes, eagles, repeating numbers, repeating events, etc. – that I’m not done yet.

And she’s never been wrong yet. The Universe always has my back.

So I guess I’m just going to continue doing… whatever the hell it is that I do. Being cute AND talented? Working? Photographing? Drugs? Drawing increasingly good portraits of Matt Smith?

For real though, that’s one of the only things I’m actually good at??

A portrait I drew of Matt based on our comic con 2017 photo.
Yes, this is the BCC picture from 2017.
A portrait I drew of Matt where he's making a Billy Idol face.
I popped off on this one.

I just can’t wait for this nightmare of a year to be over.

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